advice column: keepin' bitches happy

hubs asked:

how can I keep my girlfriend happy?

hubs, i've been thinking about this one for several days now. i almost decided to not touch it with a ten-foot pole, but i have to stay true to my following, so i will attempt to help you out on this one. keep in mind, however, i don't know your girlfriend, and every girls' needs are (somewhat) different. but i've decided to sum up the basics that work for me.

be romantic-though it need not be all the time or even require huge expenses (gifts from the heart, man, gifts from the heart).
be good in the sack-no girl, and i mean no girl, wants dull, always-the-same sex. re: foreplay. try new things. find the shit that makes her swoon and do that. a lot.
be a good listener-citymen, lend us your ears. you've probably noticed, most girls like to yak. and they like to talk about feelings and shit. just listen. you don't necessarily have to agree (although it helps).
be adventurous-don't be afraid to try new things, go to new places. mix it up, yo.
be sporadic-this one paired with the romantic one works well. combined with the good sex one. sporadically romantic in bed. i like it.
be honest-don't lie. ever. it's easier to deal with something you've done that i don't like than to deal with you lying about it. it brings up all kinds of trust issues and complications, and trust takes too long to build back.

there's your list. you can adjust it to fit your particular situation. girls out there, feel free to add/modify.
i hope this helps. one last thing, though. if your girl is generally unhappy or just impossible to please, can the bitch and move onto someone who requires less maintenance. those types of girls are not worth it.

i still need more questions from the audience!!!!!

change of pace

i kept waiting for today to see if it would feel different, not going back to school and all. i was quite sad, actually, more grumpy on thursday last when i ended my career at mvhs. but i came home to no soren duties and a lot of alcohol, so all was quickly remedied. but i thought i might feel differently today, though it's memorial day and i wouldn't be working, anyway. not to mention, it's also summer. so perhaps i won't really feel differently until the end of august? or maybe i won't feel differently at all. i probably won't; i'm over it, except for my continued disappointment in the public education system. other than that, i'm pretty excited to spend more time with soren.

i did start somewhat of a new job, though it won't be a regular job. i'm working the local liquor store whenever needed. it's actually quite fun, and i work for credit, which is funny. you should have seen what i brought home my first night! the perks are great, though; they fed me steak and kept my wine glass full the entire time i was there. where else do you get to drink on the clock, have a lovely (free) dinner, and get to leave with handfulls of beer and wine?

we had the traditional memorial day barbecue with family and friends; it was scrumptuous. my husband caught an amazing brooke trout that had unusually pink flesh that tasted amazing--he even tried some! and of course hamburgers and chicken and the works. and beer. this week i suppose i'll spend getting ready for our trip we leave on next week. life has definitely slowed down. i think i've decided that is okay.

umm, umm good

no one has as of yet required my advice on my culinary skills and knowledge, but i thought i'd share this anyway.
last night i made a kick-ass dish and it's preparation requires minimal time and ingredients. you're gonna love this.

chicken enchilada casserole
-one whole fryer chicken or 2.5 pounds chicken breasts
-jar diced palmentos
-small can diced jalapenos
-medium can diced green chilis
-one can cream of celery
-one can cream of mushroom
-velveeta cheese, cubed, to taste
-little milk
-salt and pepper to taste
-tortilla chips

1. cook the chicken (i prefer to poach it). after cooled, shred it or cube it.
2. combine all the ingredients into a bowl, stirring to mix. use your discretion with the milk--you want just enough to make it creamy.
3. in casserole dish, crunch some tortilla chips in bottom to cover. layer half the chicken mixture on top; repeat layer again and then finish with chips on top. cover with foil, bake at 375 degrees for 45 minutes. uncover, bake another 15 minutes. serve.
4. say ummmmmm while indulging.
note: you can sub chicken for turkey

ENJOY!!

advice column: it was the best of times, it was the worst of times

almitra asked this:

in regards to the Dickens classic: A Tale of Two Cities. It has a wonderful and often quoted beginning, an ending that is not just a page turner, but sincerly thought provoking as well (particularly Carton's last thoughts on his sacrifice before his meeting his date with destiny- the guillotine) but so often I found myself getting lost or bored somewhere in the middle with the longwinded rambling. Am I missing something of great value? Am I being a shallow reader and simply looking for plot action to carry me along? Have you found this to be a common occurance with this work? (well, I guess, I have a few questions for you). And lastly, what is your general impression on the novel as a whole, and in comparason to his other works as well as that of his contemporaries, etc.Oh, I guess another question- I'd take any of your reading suggestions, if there are any you'd like to share, or just what you read or are interesting in.

i don't think you're missing anything, almitra. you have correctly recognized the paradox that is dickens: his writing is both profound and tedious, insightful yet insipid, thoughtful but dreadfully boring. and here's what i think accounts for this paradox: he was paid by the word. no joke; this is why all his books are dreadfully long and dry. but he is an amazing writer, a man who understood the universality of suffering and sacrifice. he certainly represented his era accurately; in this and the fact that he leaves his readers with hope after a treacherous plot, he is well worth the time and anxiety it takes to carry us through the dry spells.
i will not make the judgement call that you might be a shallow reader looking for plot and action to carry you along--that is what some people like in a good read. but you obvious recognize his literary impact and the importance and genius of his writing, so i think you're okay. yes, i have found this to be a common response to this work and many of his others. the only novel of his that i did not have to drudge through was great expectations. as far as comparing him with other writers of his time, he is by far my favorite; though, jane austen wouldn't be a distant runner-up. her characters are well written and developed; who doesn't like darcy, the egotistic prick of a male who transforms into an emotionally-secure sap? good stuff. one last comment: i really, really love russian literature, which is far more dry and tedious reading than any dickens, so perhaps that is why it doesn't bother me so much.

apropos other suggested reading a la moi, i will begin a preliminary list for you, though be aware that it is composed neither with order or preference or other rhyme or reason.

anything Anne Lamott--her memoirs and her fiction are equally entertainig; she writes with a decadence i have seldom encountered
anything Dave Eggers--ahwosg is brilliant; i particularly love that while reading that book i would laugh outloud and receive strange stares
absolutely anything David Sedaris--his cadence is amazing; if you ever get the chance to attend a reading, do it at all costs. it's worth it.
lawrence ferlinghetti--my favorite poet
anything Mikhail Bulgakov--you've probably read my spiel on Master and Margarita already
anything Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn--particularly Cancer Ward
anything Tatyana Tolstaya--a less-known contemporary Russian author
Ralph Ellison--Invisible Man
Zora Neale Hurston--Their Eyes Were Watching God is full of brilliant imagery
Toni Cade Bambara--check out her short stories in Gorilla, My Love
Fitzgerald--Great Gatsby is good, Tender is the Night is better
anything Faulkner, Hemmingway, Morrison, Woolf, LOVE Steinbeck
damn, this is harder than i thought.

right now i am reading A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess, because it's neat and also that's the current read for book club; Anne Lamott's new book Plan B: Further Thoughts on Faith, and Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe. i just finished Grapes of Wrath for the third time and Master and Margarita for the eighth time, and i have a hell of a reading list for myself this summer, especially since i won't need to do any prep reading for the teaching i won't be doing!!!

this is by no means a complete list; i'll submit this and then think of ten more amazing authors or novels. but i'm happy to keep in regular contact about anything literature-related, so let me know if i can help further.

thank you for your question.
i encourage more questions for my advice column!!! bring it!!!

advice column numero uno

so here's my first taker on my generous offer to heal the world with my sagacity:

Anonymous said...
I constantly need advise about boys. Can you help?oh...and finances too. You should write about how to be finacially responsible. oh oh...and music too. Please Please keep me informed on all the newest music. I know you have good taste...don't keep me in the dark. heart,your biggest fan

whoa, whoa, whoa, biggest fan. that's at least a week's worth of work and vodka right there. boys, finances, and music, eh? at least they're three of my favorite topics. let's start with boys, as i'll have to mull over some advice about finances and music.
(disclaimer: the following is very heterosexual-oriented advice. i don't have much experience or, therefore, advice to offer on boys having trouble with boys. i could consult my resources, though, and look into that one for ya if need be.)
you know that shit you learn in kindergarten on the playground about boys having cooties? that's pretty much all you need to know about them, and understanding how the cooties affect them will certainly give you an edge when dealing with them. when boys are younger, the cooties just cause them to act recklessly and energetically; as they grow up, these cooties cause them to find unending humor in farting (especially lighting them on fire) and destroying things, then later in boobies and butts. these will eventually turn into obsessions (the latter two, that is) and will consume about 99% of their brain power and become their reason for living. the cooties actually go to work on boys' brains and makes their obsession for tits and ass (as they come to be called when the boys are older) drive all their decisions. if i take job a, i will get paid more; but if i take job x, i'll be working with that hot bitch who always wears short skirts. or should i date this girl who is really smart and funny or should i date the girl over there who is smart, funny, AND likes to give hummers?! so, basically, as long as you can satisfy their obsession for t & a, you have a decent chance at being successful with them. but here's the rub: eventually the cooties' hold on boys begins to lose its potency and wear off, which causes the boys to do things like settle down with a girl, have a few babies, endure a midlife crisis, and the like. you have to catch them in this very vulnerable stage and secure your hold on them (while continuing to satisfy their obsession for tits and ass which, sorry to say, will never wane).
so, that's it in a nutshell; i could give more specific advice related to boys if you had a more specific question for me, biggest fan. in the meantime, though, watch out for those cooties!
shit, that was heavy.

my new occupation--help!

well, if any of you out there had faith that i'd keep my job, you were wrong. and a little bit stupid. but that's okay, we can still be friends. i have lost faith in public education and administration; it's all a bunch of political bullshit. that's right, for all you parents and students and admin people reading my blog out there: BULL-SHIT! (this is kind of fun! i don't have to worry about what i write anymore!)
anyway, i fought it to the end, lost my job, blah blah blah it's old news now. i'm actually really, REALLY looking forward to spending more time with my little girl. she's awesome. and we're gonna have fun hanging at the house doing...nothing. yes! (ball fist, pull it abruptly toward side of abdomen, and hiss yessssss--go ahead, try it, and then feel silly for trying it)

BUT HERE'S WHAT I'M GOING TO TRY MY HAND AT:
i'm going to give advice. yup, start an advice coloumn. on anything. there are no statues of limitaiton here. ASK ME ANYTHING and i will solve your problems. or, at least, i'll make you laugh.
so you need to send me your questions (via email preferably). i will post them anonymously unless you tell me otherwise. i really need your help out there to make this work. so,
ask away!

kiss it good-bye

i have strep. i used to really believe that mothers not only shouldn't but cannot get sick, what with all they have to maintain despite whatever illness might befall them. alas, i am wrong. i am really, really sick. strep may or may not be the worst possible thing for me to have, because the accompanying fever keeps me in bed; the pain in my throat keeps me from eating, speaking, swallowing for christ's sake; the pressure in my lymph nodes and in my ears makes my brain function at a less-than-normal pace; and the headache keeps me from having the tolerance to listen to anything or even think. my husband has been taking very good care of me throughout all this, and my parents kindly have taken over soren duties, so it has been bearable. i did take yesterday off work, though, which i absolutely hate to do. i normally have an unusually high tolerance for illnesses, but this one really hit me. i think it's because i've had quite a stressful month.

the most recent development in my month from hell has been that my principal is trying to non-renew me. i must admit, i was quite shocked when he called me into his office and discovered this was the reason. those of you that know me know that i love this job--okay, so the students can get on my nerves, and maybe not so much the students themselves as their lack of motivation. but i really do love teaching, and i take my job seriously. i work hard at it, even to the point of sometimes putting my family on the proverbial back burner in order to give attention to my job. additionally, i have been in the alternative licensure program this year, a program designed for people who did not get a degree in education but who wish to teach. it is supposed to give you the necessary tools and resources to be a good teacher. so one would think that, after spending all my time in the program this year, the school would give me a chance to put all the new knowledge to use, right? i guess not. and i haven't really received a straight-forward answer as to why i'm being canned. it has been posited that perhaps i "just don't fit into the principal's agenda," but, and correct me if i'm wrong, should that even be an important point of consideration? if i teach well, motivate students to learn, challenge them, interact with them, and make myself available, aren't those all more-important qualities than a principal's own agenda? i am losing what little faith i had left in the public school system. i have seen this happen before at this very school when i was a student here, and it is very, very disappointing.

so i haven't been sleeping. i've been stressed to my limit, and i have skipped an occasional meal because of my complete lack of appetite. i am fighting this with all i have: i have spoken with the principal, the superintendant, members of the school board; parents and students have called me and written letters to the effect of what a help i've been and what a good teacher i really am. the culmination of this will be tomorrow when i go before the school board, superintendant, and principal collectively to present my rebuttal and reasons why i think i deserve one more year (re: i'm nervous as hell!). but i know how this will go down; i don't think i have a standing chance. still, though, i have to see it through to the end, at least for myself, and maybe for teachers who will come after me and find themselves equally hung out to dry.

i'm trying to see this as an opportunity, as a door to something better, but at present i cannot see past my students and how much i will miss working with them and the unknown answer to the question, what the hell am i going to do now?

finito

here it is, the finished product!

check out the mouth on that thing!

like mother, like daughter.