things they never tell you about being pregnant

this may not be for the faint at heart...proceed at your own risk...

during pregnancy
--you will get incredibly large toward the end, i mean, larger than you think you could possibly get.
--and just when you think you're at that point of largeness, you'll get even bigger.
--it will become almost impossible to tie your shoes (at which point it will be very handy for you to have accessible a pair of your partner's shoes to slip on)
--you will not be able to shave, your legs or anything else--seriously, how are you supposed to see around that bulge? and trying to prop it up or use mirrors eventually becomes too difficult a task. get help or get hairy.
--what is at one point cute and unforgettable will become a nuisance: the balls of your baby's feet will inevitably find their way up into your ribs. at this point it ceases to be cute and just plain hurts.
--your vagina will do all sorts of strange things. just when you thought it couldn't get any stranger...
--if you're lucky you will have crazy, intensified sex hormones and have some of the best sex of your life.
--not only will you be getting up frequently to pee in the first and last trimester, but in the last trimester your belly will be so big you will wake yourself up every time you turn over.
--having only two sleeping positions to choose from is really not that comfortable, and body pillows don't always help.
--some people get what is called the "nesting urge" and purge clean with a burst of energy. some people just sit on their asses the entire time and don't give a damn.
--if your body craves sweets and chocolates, EAT THEM! what are you going to do, get fat??

at the doctor's office
--they never tell you how difficult catching a "clean sample" of urine actually is. be prepared to pee all over your hand each time.
--every single visit isn't really necessary. unless you're anal or it's your first and you want to be on the safe side, you can wait until 4-5 months before you actually start seeing your doctor.
--get comfortable with the word discharge and be prepared to talk about it a lot.
--they STILL give you a pap even if you're pregnant, and it's TEN TIMES more uncomfortable.
--they still poke and prod, just like a normal annual exam.
--if, during your ultrasound, you find out it's a boy and the ultrasound tech notes, "your baby has a big package," it's solely for the ego of the man responsible for said mess. and, sidenote, little boys get erections, too, even in utero.
--be prepared to have a LOT of blood drawn...multiple times...by nurses that are 9 times out of 10 very fat and have bad breath

during labor and birth
--you do actually have a lot of options to consider when it comes to the end of your long road. TAKE THE TIME TO INFORM YOURSELF OF WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN AND YOUR OPTIONS!! don't go uninformed or they will make these decisions for you.
--unless you request it otherwise, be prepared to have a tirade of unnecessary nurses and doctors just standing around watching you blow out your vagina. not your best moment, i assure you.
--you can hold to your own view that birth is a beautiful thing, but don't try and persuade others of this statement's validity. especially if they are your audience.

after labor and birth
--if, after labor and birth are all over and when you are first handed your new baby, your response is "what the hell do i do with it now?" don't feel bad. this is a normal reaction.
--the nurses who have the night shift can be bitchy. if you fail to get your newborn under control immediately and you are kept up all night from crying, they will come into your room and scold you on what a horrible parent you already are as they coddle the baby and instantly make him/her stop crying.
--it takes longer than you would expect for your stuff to go back to normal.
--it can take a really long time before you can poop normally. seriously, think about all the pushing you do during labor.
--remember what a hard time sleeping you had the last trimester? it was just getting you prepped for afterward. though, keeping the baby in bed with you definitely helps.