advice column numero uno

so here's my first taker on my generous offer to heal the world with my sagacity:

Anonymous said...
I constantly need advise about boys. Can you help?oh...and finances too. You should write about how to be finacially responsible. oh oh...and music too. Please Please keep me informed on all the newest music. I know you have good taste...don't keep me in the dark. heart,your biggest fan

whoa, whoa, whoa, biggest fan. that's at least a week's worth of work and vodka right there. boys, finances, and music, eh? at least they're three of my favorite topics. let's start with boys, as i'll have to mull over some advice about finances and music.
(disclaimer: the following is very heterosexual-oriented advice. i don't have much experience or, therefore, advice to offer on boys having trouble with boys. i could consult my resources, though, and look into that one for ya if need be.)
you know that shit you learn in kindergarten on the playground about boys having cooties? that's pretty much all you need to know about them, and understanding how the cooties affect them will certainly give you an edge when dealing with them. when boys are younger, the cooties just cause them to act recklessly and energetically; as they grow up, these cooties cause them to find unending humor in farting (especially lighting them on fire) and destroying things, then later in boobies and butts. these will eventually turn into obsessions (the latter two, that is) and will consume about 99% of their brain power and become their reason for living. the cooties actually go to work on boys' brains and makes their obsession for tits and ass (as they come to be called when the boys are older) drive all their decisions. if i take job a, i will get paid more; but if i take job x, i'll be working with that hot bitch who always wears short skirts. or should i date this girl who is really smart and funny or should i date the girl over there who is smart, funny, AND likes to give hummers?! so, basically, as long as you can satisfy their obsession for t & a, you have a decent chance at being successful with them. but here's the rub: eventually the cooties' hold on boys begins to lose its potency and wear off, which causes the boys to do things like settle down with a girl, have a few babies, endure a midlife crisis, and the like. you have to catch them in this very vulnerable stage and secure your hold on them (while continuing to satisfy their obsession for tits and ass which, sorry to say, will never wane).
so, that's it in a nutshell; i could give more specific advice related to boys if you had a more specific question for me, biggest fan. in the meantime, though, watch out for those cooties!
shit, that was heavy.