kiss it good-bye

i have strep. i used to really believe that mothers not only shouldn't but cannot get sick, what with all they have to maintain despite whatever illness might befall them. alas, i am wrong. i am really, really sick. strep may or may not be the worst possible thing for me to have, because the accompanying fever keeps me in bed; the pain in my throat keeps me from eating, speaking, swallowing for christ's sake; the pressure in my lymph nodes and in my ears makes my brain function at a less-than-normal pace; and the headache keeps me from having the tolerance to listen to anything or even think. my husband has been taking very good care of me throughout all this, and my parents kindly have taken over soren duties, so it has been bearable. i did take yesterday off work, though, which i absolutely hate to do. i normally have an unusually high tolerance for illnesses, but this one really hit me. i think it's because i've had quite a stressful month.

the most recent development in my month from hell has been that my principal is trying to non-renew me. i must admit, i was quite shocked when he called me into his office and discovered this was the reason. those of you that know me know that i love this job--okay, so the students can get on my nerves, and maybe not so much the students themselves as their lack of motivation. but i really do love teaching, and i take my job seriously. i work hard at it, even to the point of sometimes putting my family on the proverbial back burner in order to give attention to my job. additionally, i have been in the alternative licensure program this year, a program designed for people who did not get a degree in education but who wish to teach. it is supposed to give you the necessary tools and resources to be a good teacher. so one would think that, after spending all my time in the program this year, the school would give me a chance to put all the new knowledge to use, right? i guess not. and i haven't really received a straight-forward answer as to why i'm being canned. it has been posited that perhaps i "just don't fit into the principal's agenda," but, and correct me if i'm wrong, should that even be an important point of consideration? if i teach well, motivate students to learn, challenge them, interact with them, and make myself available, aren't those all more-important qualities than a principal's own agenda? i am losing what little faith i had left in the public school system. i have seen this happen before at this very school when i was a student here, and it is very, very disappointing.

so i haven't been sleeping. i've been stressed to my limit, and i have skipped an occasional meal because of my complete lack of appetite. i am fighting this with all i have: i have spoken with the principal, the superintendant, members of the school board; parents and students have called me and written letters to the effect of what a help i've been and what a good teacher i really am. the culmination of this will be tomorrow when i go before the school board, superintendant, and principal collectively to present my rebuttal and reasons why i think i deserve one more year (re: i'm nervous as hell!). but i know how this will go down; i don't think i have a standing chance. still, though, i have to see it through to the end, at least for myself, and maybe for teachers who will come after me and find themselves equally hung out to dry.

i'm trying to see this as an opportunity, as a door to something better, but at present i cannot see past my students and how much i will miss working with them and the unknown answer to the question, what the hell am i going to do now?