excerpts from The Book of Kyle quotes, vol. I

i'm not making this up, folks. this kid really said these things. and he meant them, too. eat your heart out.

1.) Matt: "I'm wearing flip-flops to homecoming."
Kyle: "Well, you better shave your toes."

2.) "Your house is hard...I had to pee on your roof."

3.) "I saw Will take a shower once. He came out wet." (long pause)

4.) Will: "They sure don't make pumas like they used to."
Kyle: " Will! You idiot! They don't make pumas, you're so stupid! That's the dumbest thing you've ever said!"

5.) "In cross-country, it's not like we run in place!"

6.) Coach: "Kyle, how'd you burn your leg?"
Kyle: "Will spilled gas on my leg."
Coach: "And how did the fire get on the gas?"
Kyle: "He accidentally threw a match." (this kid seriously lit his leg on fire)

7.) Coach: "I'm fat and I'm hungry--so hurry up!"
Kyle: "Coach, that's an oxymoron!"

8.) (when lifting while listening to "Can't Touch This.")
Coach: "Lift, Kyle! Lift!"
Kyle: "No, coach. Hammertime! Hammertime! Hammertime!"

9.) Bre: "Why were you grinding on Skyla and Julie on Saturday?""
Will: "Wow, that was out of nowhere."
Coach: "You pulled that out of the jealousy file."
Will: (1 minute pause) "Kyle, you pussy, why are you only doing 5 pounds?"
Kyle: "That was out of the jealousy file."

10.) "Dangit! I hate when I do this!" (said after noticing his tag is in the front of his boxers)

11.) "Ian, get in the fertile position!" (said when cramming people into his friend's car)

12.) "You eat the white tips? There's like no food on the white tips!" (said of eating candy corn)

13.) Daniel: "Yeah, those crayons don't go down well."
Kyle: "Yeah, they're not as slick as pills." (said after eating a half of a green crayon)

14.) "Hey, why did you tell me to stay away from crayons? They're made for little kids, that means they should be eaten!"

15.) Kyle: "Why do you have ducktape on your shoe?"
Ian: "There's a hole in it!"
Kyle: "Why don't you just put wood on it?"
Ian: "How would I get it to stick?"
Kyle: (in seriously DUH voice) "Nails."

and you people wonder why i love to teach high schoolers. humph.